Crushing pressure.  That’s what I feel.  A situation in my personal life has me wound so tight that it’s taking much of my emotional and psychological energy to hold steady.  I’m tired, and it’s when I’m tired that I have to be vigilant about not becoming negative, hurtful, and selfish.  But that takes energy too, and I don’t have the energy to be positive or uplifting.  And so a vicious cycle tries to take hold of me. Rendering me useless to those around me and useless to God.

I’m a fairly strong person.  Give me a grueling task with a near impossible deadline and I’m at my very best.  But in life, in the things that really matter, we don’t have the benefit of instruction manuals.  There are no guarantees.  There’s no date out in the future that I can point to and say “on THIS DATE, this problem will be resolved.”  Nope…my type A, deadline driven, take control self is left sitting on my hands wondering what’s next.  I feel defeated…but not hopeless.

I’ve always clung closer to God in times of trouble.  I never understood people who turn from their faith when things get hard.  This time though, I get it.  Clinging to God means clinging to His Word, His promises, His will…ugh His will.  His will may be for this storm to end tomorrow (that’s my vote) or His will may be that we weather this storm for a lifetime.  Friends and family say “Oh no, Julie…it’s not going to last forever.”  Let’s be honest folks, some storms do.  Some diseases kill.  Some addicts never find their way out of addiction.  Some people die having never known Jesus, despite all the prayers of his or her saved family members.  (Remember I started by saying I didn’t have the energy to be positive.  Here’s your proof.)

So it comes down to one of the most basic choices we have in life: fight or flight?

Do I have another fight in me? Cause it feels like I’ve been fighting a lot in this life.   I know in my heart and mind that life without God is not an option.  When I dedicated myself to Him it was a lifelong deal.  So here I am, reading His Word, remembering His promises, and asking for His will.

I pray.  I ask for this storm to end.  I ask for lessons to be learned with as little pain as possible.  I ask for God to restore what’s been broken.  I dig through the ashes, knowing there’s beauty in there somewhere.  And I end my prayer in these gut wrenching words “but even if You don’t, You’re still good.”  One of the most fundamental pillars of Christian faith is this: God doesn’t change.  His goodness doesn’t ebb and flow with the situations in my life.  He’s not good when life is good and bad when life is bad.  God, quite simply, is good all the time.

We learned that in church when we were kids, didn’t we?  Everyone all together now: God is good.  All the time.  All the time.  God is good.

So I will stand in this storm, arms raised and tears streaming.  On the outside I’m singing.  On the inside I’m screaming with everything in me.  Faith is a beautiful thing, but it isn’t always pretty.  Faith can be a messy business.  When God made me, He knew what he was getting. So He’s not the least bit surprised when I kick and scream. I’d like to think He smiles at my spunk, shakes His head and says “Julie, would you please just give it to me and know that I’ve got this?”  So here it is God, again.  Here’s my hurt and my scars, my fears and my exhaustion.  Here are my tears…the ones Your Word says you’ve collected.  I choose faith. I choose You.

To my friends who are in the thick of pain and are clinging to their faith, God sees you.  To my friends who are so tired that keeping faith seems too exhausting, God sees you.  To my friends who don’t know if their storm will ever end, God sees you.  I promise you He is good.  He is good all the time.